I'm okay

Hey guys!! I'm back well I was never gone I always checked on the forum to see how everyone is doing but anyways :3

A lot of you followed and supported me through my 5 weeks of being scalp pull free on my other thread but let me get straight to it I relapsed afterwards. I remember I posted one time here how I had been having a hard week being trich free because I just kept getting triggered eventhough I had been trich free for weeks, the urge was strong but I fought back. But even after that week I kept finding myself wanting to pull and eventually I threw my hat into the washing machine and on that day everything went to hell heh. But before that day I did pull like 2 hairs a day and didn't think of it as relapse just as anomalies in my calendar "accidents" and I avoided updating here because I didn't want to lie about still being trich free but didn't want to face it either.

It's been 4 days since I relapsed and yesterday I didn't pull and today I pulled like 2 strands of hair. What's triggering me is the small wavy hairs at the front of my hairline it's not even the itch anymore because I had dealt with that trigger well. Today after I pulled those 2 hairs I stopped myself changed my attention and stood up to go downstairs, it worked and I didn't pull afterwards but I still feel shit about it :( I do believe that after you change your focus from the trigger once and stop yourself it gets easier. And also I'm focusing more on not letting my hand reach up there. I started wearing the hat again when I sleep but not during the day because I have better control and I want to face the problem and stop hiding away because apparently by wearing the hat all the time I was only delaying my need to pull and not weakening it.

With all that in mind the scalp scratcher worked really well for me and Im no longer urged to pull when it itches but this time a scalp massager can't help my situation and it's all about mentally being present and not making the first move of moving my hand up to my hair and about shifting my attention to what's infront of me.

~ Yuri

Comments

  • As long as we're confessing here Yuri, I just had a relapse myself last night, after 9 days being pull-free. So disappointed in myself 😞 It always starts so innocent-like. That first hair comes out so easy, and I always rationalize it that it didn't belong on my head anyway (it was too thick/thin, or too kinky in texture, or the best of all, it was snow white and didn't match the rest of my head!)
    I probably pulled for a good hour watching the end of the Super Bowl. I didn't do a lot of damage but it was the fact that I pulled at all that makes me so mad 😡 I wasn't even overcome with urges, it just felt so natural? relaxing?? Not sure how to describe it, but at the time it didn't feel as though I was doing anything bad. I wish I felt more guilty when I'm pulling so I would have some incentive to stop.
    Never know what's going on in this crazy head of mine, but I'm ready to tackle another stretch of pull-free days.
    Thanks @yurisen and everyone else for keeping me honest and being able to share my day.
    Here we go again.....Day One!!!!

    Stay strong & talk soon,

    The Sloth
  • Hi @sleepysloth yeah I know exactly what you mean I feel enjoyment and kind of like a thrill when pulling and sometimes that side of me tries to shut out the side that is quieter and the one telling me that I should shift my focus and that if I keep going I'll do damage. It definitely sucks. I guess it's me and you back to day 1 I hope this time we will both beat our pull free records or atleast learn from the pull days!!
    I still haven't really figured out what to do but I'm trying all that's coming to mind and I'll update as to what finally gets me back on track.

    Also it's really hard and disappointing having to open up about your failures when you thought you had things under control so thanks for sharing and the supporting.

    ~Yuri
  • Hugs all round!

  • Oh Yuri, I'm sorry you relapsed but you've got so much insight regarding yourself and what went wrong. Don't beat yourself up over it and well done for coming back. I know there will be people out there who don't have the courage to post but will really appreciate your honesty and attitude.

  • Thank you @michelleharper , I'm definitely going to be trich free again soon and I'm gonna be back up there faster than last time :3

    ~ Yuri
  • So an update today, I pulled, slightly unconsciously though. I had a Biology test today and yesterday I slept late studying and as I was setting my alarm up I think I didn't press ok to the alarm, I ended up waking 40 minutes late to my lesson because thank God there was sun outside which woke me up, the test was in the second hour of the lesson so I made it in time. I was so stressed out, didn't have my morning routine, was feeling really dirty and uncomfortable because I had been delaying showers to study, didn't even have time to brush my teeth or eat breakfast and I went straight into my Biology test which is a subject I struggle with most. I also only slept 4-5 hours the day before so I felt like I wasn't really there in the zone..? I ended up pulling through the lesson and I didn't care I had no willpower or strength of fight back. I didn't pull for the rest of the day though and so I think it was just bad timing and alot of stress, I was fine afterwards.

    And yeah that's all for today, I'll do better tomorrow :3 I'm sure of it.
  • Hello another update a disappointing one too, today I pulled alot as I was about to pull the same process of thinking came to my mind which went like: should I pull I mean I'm only 1 day trich free maybe if I only pull one it'll be fine because this hair is really good and I won't need to pull anymore. I lost the hair
    by losing grip of it as I was making a decision wether I should pull it or not and that really irritated me so I looked for another hair and pulled it instead but that then made me feel more triggered and more hungry to pull more so I just kept pulling. I thought about putting my hat on which was literally on the floor but I just thought it's too late I've pulled too many and now I can't focus on any tasks I might as well keep pulling it won't make a difference. Basically it was easier to let go than fight the tension of the after pull.

    I think I'm going to wear my hat now when I study something that I dont understand. Any advice would be great but I think it's just how messed up my mindset gets when I'm in the pull zone and the on the edge of pulling zone :/

    As for loss of hair or gaps my middle hairline kind of like that line that runs across your scalp is getting wider because I've been pulling from the corners of it and for now it's hidden. I can't go like this soon it'll be impossible to hide and I'm just 16 I still need my hair and I still live with my parents :/

    ~Yuri
  • Sending tons of hugs and support your way Yuri!! I messed up today again too. No excuses, but just like you said, easier to have a quick pull session than to struggle to try to fight it.
    I believe I got it out of my system (for now) and I'm ready to try again. We MUST concentrate on our successes though and our past pull-free streaks. Prior to joining this forum, I had ZERO pull free days. I did it almost every day like a normal part of my daily ritual. Now I've got numerous stretches of pull-free days under my belt. Just think of how many hairs we've saved just so far! Just think of how much better we are now than we were before!?
    I know we shouldn't be congratulating ourselves for our recent failures, but oh my goodness, have we had some awesome successes so far!
    Instead of beating ourselves up about it and overanalyzing what I did wrong this time, I'm ready to chalk it up as just a little "stumble" and just start over!
    Day One! Who's with me??!!

    Talk soon & take care,

    SleepySloth ♥️
  • Aw I'm glad you're so motivated @sleepysloth , I'll start again with you but this time we need to do things differebtly🤍
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