PF Diary

Ama

I came back on here for some support to break the vicious cycle I've found myself in for the past however long.

Started my PF journey on 28th September. Hope to see some regrowth in time for Chrismas.

Day 1 was hard as it was constantly on my mind but I managed to get through OK.

Day 2 was even worse as last night I found myself teasing my remaining lashes and brows. Luckily caught myself and didn't pull any. This was a bit interesting cause I am usually aware what I'm doing, I just reach a low point and don't care. Also had a dream I was pulling, lol. 😵

So day 3 today, will keep this thread going, hope it can help.

Ama

Ama

So I've generally been doing OK, apart from a thingie that happened on day 3, I scratched at my left brow with two fingers and think one came away...didn't even realise what had happened and couldn't find said hair afterwards so no idea what to do about it...

Day 4 I caught all attempts and had little difficulty not falling back into old habits.

Day 5 today, I went to get my hair dyed and it's been smooth sailing so far. Strange as in the past it would be around this time I would start to struggle. I'm trying to not even think about my lashes or brows, not touch them, not even acknowledge they're a part of my face. Just pretend they're not even there...well except for when I need to draw new ones on in the mornings. 😆

Ama

Ama

Day 6 went well, had to catch myself a few times though, especially in the evening but got through it.

Day 7, ONE WHOLE WEEK! Was again difficult and didn't want to post until I've gotten through it but happy to report I've now been a week PF! Haven't been able to say that in ages!

As for the scratching incident few days ago, think I'll put it as one of those things and keep going... After all hairs do come loose whether we're pulling or not and don't want to dwell on it and ruin all the progress I've made so far.

Ama

Day 8 was by far the most difficult so far. Decided yesterday I'll shape my brows (which are drawn with make-up 24/7) as there was lots of hair underneath. So started with the right one and wasn't happy as the make-up wasn't perfect and had to use it as a guide so had a very restless and difficult evening teasing and teasing but luckily didn't pull anything I shouldn't.

Day 9 today, I washed off the make-up and shaped as best as I could with what there was and then filled them back in. Very happy with the result and feels like a weight has been lifted! Plan is to let them grow in now and hope eventually won't need to fill them in anymore.

If I get through today got double figures to look forward to tomorrow! It's interesting I've been struggling with brows so much this week but have barely felt the urge with lashes. That's how my problem started back when I was 9 years old and it just spread from there.

Ama

Day 10 almost over, will be away over the weekend for my daughter's 3rd bday, so wanted to post in case I don't get the chance later. Looking forward to it, mainly because when I'm away pulling isn't as much of an issue as I'm kept busy. It does happen but usually not so hope to come back just as strong in a couple of days.

Hope everyone are doing well!

Michelle Harper

Hi Ama! Oh I just replied to your other post before seeing this one. What a great idea to keep a diary. Thank you for sharing here

Ama

Thanks Michelle, this is what we used to do in the old forum, it made tremendous difference for me!

So the weekend went off without a hitch (day 11, 12 & 13), came back yesterday royally shattered and when I woke up this morning first thing I did was go for my lashes before I went HANG ON! Luckily, no harm done but it's so easy to fall into that trap. Don't know how you guys who have gone months PF do it...*bow*.

Had to consult a calendar and looking forward to 2 weeks PF tomorrow.

Ama

So I'm 14 days PF now and on day 15 today and really struggling.

Got a shock yesterday when thinking we'll be moving in a matter of weeks that our buyers pulled out so have to start the whole thing over again and worried we will lose the house we are buying.

Since then I have been trying really hard not to pull but my hands keep going up as I keep playing different scenarios in my head. Didn't sleep well last night as kept worrying. Also am almost 28 weeks pregnant so don't want to stress but am so emotionally invested now that don't see how I will get over losing this house. We lost the first house we were trying to buy and it's still a thorn in my side.

Got a viewing tonight so praying it will work out.

Ama

Day 16 yesterday was really hard, again couldn't stop going for the hairs but once again didn't pull. Really miss the pulling now, this is horrible.

Day 17 today and one eyebrow from right side came loose. Didn't pull it luckily as didn't feel the 'pop' but reminded me of the fact that it's probably just a matter of time before I cave in. 😞 Regrowth has started to come in, eyelashes are definitely coming in, don't know about eyebrows as still using the powder, but it would be a real blow on top of everything else. Been trying to distract by doing other stuff but it's just exchanging one thing for another, I need to stop, but one thing at a time!

I really miss the 'kick' I get from pulling, trying to find that right one and when I do, after several duds usually, it's the best and worst feeling. And round and round it goes!

I don't know what to do... Keep going 'only one, it'll be ok' but know that's the Trich Monster talking. 😕

Ama

Day 18 was easier, probably because after a stressful week with chain falling apart and intense viewings we accepted an offer and fixed it. Have to do all we can to chase solicitors etc. now so we can complete ASAP. Fingers crossed!

Day 19 yesterday and I went for my 2nd Covid jab which always stresses me out, being pregnant and all, so spent all day with an aching arm and willing to feel movements. This is a stressful part of the pregnancy anyway and with everything else going on as well I must confess I was daydreaming about pulling and when I went to tease managed to catch myself every time. There is one eyebrow on left side which keeps calling me but still hanging in there.

Am kind of proud I managed to get through this week and everything PF but am aware the threat is still there and wish to see a time when pulling won't be on my mind as much.

Day 20 today and hopefully will be celebrating 3 weeks tomorrow. Still haven't checked the regrowth except while brushing my teeth, want to wait a few more weeks when I hopefully get some good news about the house move etc.

Ama

Day 21 today which means I'm a few hours off 3 weeks PF! I know I should probably be jumping for joy but I feel so deflated.

The house move troubles haven't gotten better and on top of it we're getting blamed for the breakdown when our EA told us nothing of the problem with our previous buyers and even though we fixed the chain now had to make several phone calls to EAs and solicitors today as nothing has been sent out on Friday. I'm very worried we will lose our purchase which is our dream house and if that happens I don't know how I'll cope especially with the new baby coming around New Year.

I still tease that hair on left brow and on top of everything have found one on the right now too. I have been reading some previous posts here to see how my urges compare with those of others and also to stop myself from doing anything stupid. For me it's less about hairs and more about pain. The greater the pain the better as is usually the case with the hairs which have roots on them. So any distractions are useless as I get a kick from the pulling sensation. Crazy, I know!

The way I find the hairs to pull is when I feel around with my thumb and find one that feels out of place. That is the case now unfortunately with the two brows I keep faffing with.

However since I started my PF journey 3 weeks ago I have noticed my eyelashes feel very uninteresting probably because I haven't pulled in so long. That is huge as they are usually tempting when they're growing back as feel sharper then.

But still struggling with eyebrows especially as have found a couple of tempting ones.

Ama

Day 22 and I was at my wits end with the effin eyebrow hair that I've now started to obsess about. It's poking right out and it looks mature in the mirror. I rarely look at hairs in the mirror but this one has been winding me up for ages now, it's a miracle I haven't pulled it yet, did have a few near misses yesterday though.

Day 23 today and things are still not better. Don't know what's going on with the vendors still as the estate agents keep saying they'll call back but they never do. That's how we got in this mess to begin with and I still don't know what's going on, just that we're doing everything we can to speed things along and hopefully save this.

In the meantime I miss the activity and support here, feel like I'm talking to myself most of the time but I understand ppl are busy. Yesterday I was playing with the thought that if I make it to 30 days I can pull this annoying brow as a reward. I know I'll probably find another one down the line but am so worried that if I keep teasing eventually it'll come out and I'll ruin all the progress I've made. So if it was on my terms instead maybe it would end differently. Thoughts anyone?

I know I'm playing with fire and whatnot and don't know what to think but feel so stressed out with everything that this is just adding to it. Then I think this is Trich 101, "just one...". But it never ends there, does it?

Neo

WOW, well done Ama, 22 days - totally awesome.

So sorry you haven't received replies.

It is massive progress.

As for missing the activity and support, I completely understand and am so grateful for you being here and talking about this. So many people read the forum and don't post. Your support is massive and I'm sorry it hasn't been returned.

Ama, imagine a soccer game. One team is winning ... what does the other side do? Do they give up and retreat? Of course not! They up their game!!! That's what the Tric monster has done here. He's upped his game and is using sneaky tactics to get you to do what he wants.

I've been working with people with tric for over 30 years and you've come up with a thought I have never heard before, though. I've never heard of the mature hair. Having said that I have a fair few white hairs myself so maybe they're mature ones!

At 20 years pull free, I'll say what worked for ME is not pulling any hairs and tonly having my eyebrows done by a professional.

Here are the best options IMO

1. Ask someone else to pluck it for you or get them professionally threaded or otherwise groomed;
2. Trim it with scissors.
3. Leave it alone
4. Regardless of which option you choose, reward yourself for 30 days with a much bigger and more valuable reward than pulling an eyebrow!!!!!!

You deserve this celebration.

Love and pull freedom
Neo

Ama

Hi Neo, thank you for replying. Your post did me a world of good as I really needed to hear some words of encouragement. I can't go to a professional yet while I'm still waiting for regrowth, was a wonder I managed to go to an eye test few weeks back but not gonna mess with eyesight, lashes or no lashes. Unfortunately this brow is in a no-pull zone which is in the middle of the brow rather than the shaping part. Love the scissors advice, never thought of that. It would solve the problem if the temptation gets too strong.

Hehe, by mature I meant it's ripe for pulling, long, dark and juicy. God, listen to me... 😑

Got through day 24 OK in the end, much thanks to your post. Realised how silly it sounded to reward myself with pulling when it's exactly what I'm trying to stop. Guess I was truly deep in the rabbit hole after everything.

Day 25 today and another brow came off today. I remember last time I tried staying PF thinking how rare it is for hairs to actually fall off on their own when you're a Trich sufferer. That in itself is an accomplishment from where I stand. I still miss that pulling sensation but hope it will get weaker in time.

At least the house stuff is looking OK for the moment, fingers crossed it goes to the end this time. It's already broken three times so it better!

Ama

Day 26 almost over, was again easier in terms of urges but still keep feeling the hairs that I've chosen on both brows. Have gone back to read some more posts as it makes me stop touching them. Need more posts to read as sooner or later I'd have read everything on the forum lol. 😅

Here is a funny, ironic if not slightly mental thought: sometimes I wish I had a beard as could pull that without causing too many problems look wise. And it's a normal area to shave once things get obvious. My husband always keeps his short and when the stubble comes in a day or so the hairs look so tempting.

From reading some previous posts I now see I got a slightly warped view as there are men who have this exact problem and it bothers them. Whereas I'm too focused on my lashes and brows which are directly linked to how a woman looks. I haven't worn mascara in forever and it hurts seeing all those adds of women with perfect lashes. Just a late night rant!

Joy

Hey @Ama

I've been reading through your thread a little, so sorry to hear you struggle with your lashes and brows. I'm more of a scalp puller but I know how hard those urges can be to fight.

You are doing awesomely trying to fight the trich battle!!! Getting started is always the hardest and 26 days in the fight is a display of true inner strength!!! I must say you've inspired me and I wish I could join you on this journey to PF. I have every faith in you!!! Some days will be a struggle but you WILL get through it.

Lots of love and PF vibes, xxx

Ama

Hi Joy, thank you so much for your encouraging words. It really means the world to me. Would love a PF buddy!

Days 27, 28 and today 29 have been rolling on without too much drama. I'm still touching my brows, but it's almost just to confirm they're still there. I've never gone this long without pulling the hair that I've singled out. I can't believe when I came back here almost a month ago I had been pulling consistently for several years without any PF periods. Barely had any brows and both eyes were bald. Now I can see the regrowth is coming through on my eyes and it's such a great feeling. From past experiences I have always fallen off the wagon sooner or later and every time I say I won't let it carry me away but it always does. Hope this time may be different but not putting too much pressure on myself, just taking it day by day.

Day 30 tomorrow, come on a whole month!

Joy

Hey @Ama,

I'm so glad to be here to hear about your journey. It's truly inspiring me - I've so far not pulled today hope to keep that going for the day!! You can smile to that because you surely are behind me bothering to try again.

I've done almost 300 days before but then fell so low and haven't managed much time without pulling since. One whole month is fabulous!!! You are super strong being able to fight your urges like that, even with checking they're still there every now and then but not pulling. I'm so glad it's starting to regrow cuz that really is the greatest reward to keep you motivated!

Keep it up Ama, you're doing great!!!

Think about how you will reward yourself for a month of success.

Lots of love and strength, xxxx

Ama

Day 30 today and have been feeling hairs a lot more than usual, not just brows but lashes too. Guess that's the problem with regrowth, suddenly there are hairs to grab on and tease again. Had a nightmare last night about me pulling two hairs out and then all the self-beating that followed before coming here and confessing in shame. Let's just say I was very relieved when I woke up but seriously: COME ON, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

I should be dreaming about lands far far away, not pulling! Am otherwise quite tired today, could be the weather, the pregnancy, my 3 year old or all of the above...

Joy - I am so behind you starting again, love reading about your progress, it keeps me going. My month hasn't been without challenges and coming on here and reading about what others are going through is so comforting and well done you for not letting this beat you!

Haven't thought about rewards and my eyebrows are coming up for another shape so might sort that out tonight and see how much make-up is still needed. Will maybe start thinking about clearing it all out and see what I can buy again as usually I can't stand to be around make-up aisles with all those perfect faces staring at me.

But first have to get through today!

Ama

Today is day 33 and I've made it past the first month mark!

Day 31 and 32 went without any problems, I have been able to leave the brow hairs alone and even to reduce the skin picking habit that I frequently relied on in the beginning to not pull.

Still twirling my hair so that will be the next step to try and sort out. I don't pull from my scalp but do twirl my hair and hairs do come off which I then play with so need to work on that.

Today I cleaned up my eyebrows and updated my make-up. Got some new eyeliner, eyeshadow and lipstick. Also threw away most of the old ones which I haven't been using since the pandemic. Still need to let the regrowth come in a bit more so will see how it looks in another month if I make it to day 60.

But not going to think about too big a leap and just keep taking it day by day as seems to have worked so far.

Michelle Harper

Hi @Ama, you're doing so well. Definitely set rewards for yourself at regular intervals. I find it helps to show your brain that not pulling is a positive thing, not a punishment you have to struggle through. You're not depriving, you're thriving

Ama

Thanks Michelle, that's really good advice. Think I'm so far gone after pulling for 30 years that it feels like pulling is a messed up version of Nirvana and not pulling is a punishment because honestly I really miss the sensation of that perfect painful hair coming off and relishing in the feeling for a few seconds. Again, I sound like an addict.

Days 34 and 35 weren't great as my little girl came down with a fever due to tonsillitis or whatever so in my worry I have been reaching up more than usual. Again, I didn't pull though.

Day 36 today and I've managed to single out a lash on right side right at the end over the past couple of days and when that happens just like with the brow it's all I can focus on until it comes off. Have been checking out my regrowth and although it looks good in the mirror, once I lift the eyelid there is still room for more hairs to come in and thicken it all up. Same with brows hence why it's so important I don't cave in.

Remember thinking last time I chronicled my PF journey it all came down to the fact I was so exhausted from constantly resisting and thinking this is what it's gonna be like for the rest of my life that after 9 months or so PF little by little I fell off the wagon. Last time I managed few months was 3 years ago when I was about to give birth and went to a hypnotherapist because I was afraid of my daughter seeing me pull and copying me. That didn't work either.

So here I am trying agaib... Think next reward will be buying some mascara for the first time in forever if I make it to 2 months!

Michelle Harper

Hi Ama, my brain does the same to me when I quit smoking. Aren't I miserable. I'm going to feel this way forever. I don't know how long I can carry on for when every day is a struggle etc.

I read the Allen Carr book eventually and it really helped to change my perspective. After so many years, the hardest part about stopping is all psychological. There's little to no physical side-effect from stopping smoking or hair pulling. You have to unpick all of those years of brainwashing. There is no benefit from hair pulling. It does not reduce your stress, it creates it. You don't need it to cope with anything, otherwise everyone would do it.

What are you actually losing? What do you gain from not pulling? What would you say to a smoker that was miserable not smoking?

Ama

I've had a messed up few days. Days 37 and 38 I once again really struggled with urges. Kept making excuses if I just got rid of the lash and brow that are bugging me so much it would be better. But from past experience I know that sooner or later I would just find another and round and round it goes. So I resorted to watching YouTube videos of hairs being pulled EXTRA slowly. Found this really good one where they slow down an eyebrow being plucked to 1000x. You could see the juicy root coming out. How messed up is that?

Days 39 and 40 have been difficult for a different reason altogether. I've started experiencing the far less glamorous joys of pregnancy. Pain was so unbearable that I couldn't sleep last night and today was in constant agony. So pulling was last thing on my mind as spent all day trying to find something to relieve the pain. Had two soaks in the tub and the witch hazel I bought yesterday didn't help. So hubby got me a cream that at least numbed it somewhat. Hopefully will be able to sleep tonight.

Sorry if this is too much information but after the week I've had with my girl being poorly and now this and trying to be as honest as possible as think it's the best policy on road to recovery this is meant to be my safe place for all things good or bad.

Ama

Day 41 yesterday and I was in such agony. Finally got rid of that pesky brow as cleaned up a few and it was right there to make things tidy and don't regret it one bit. Haven't been obsessing since.

Spent half a day in hospital yesterday as was worried about the baby and today spent half a day trying to see a GP. Got prescribed some stuff which I have to use for a week, hopefully will help. Also had an anxiety attack last night over everything so been feeling pretty rubbish.

Day 42 today and couldn't be bothered with work too much as was suffering. But at least haven't gone off on any pulling sprees.

I have noticed that I'm far less ashamed of looking people in the eye since both my lashes and brows look respectable now. Have stopped using the eyebrow powder every day but when I do put it on it really complements the brows, makes them stand out rather than hide what is beneath. Think gonna hold off buying mascara as feel like crap so haven't been enjoying my first month's PF rewards either.

Neo

Hi Ama,

Sorry to see you were in such pain as I really know how that can lead to negative thinking and worry - especially when you are carrying another little life.

Did the hospital find out what's wrong?

I'm so sorry that you feel like rubbish and well done for getting this far with your PFdom.

We believe in you and celebrate your successes!

Love and pull freedom
Neo

Ama

Hi Neo, thanks for checking in. The hospital confirmed pregnancy is healthy and safe and sent me home. Hence I had to go see the GP for the actual problem. It's still bleeding (which was the cause of my panic) but pain is a lot more manageable. Hope this ointment will help sort it out, doctor will call me in a week to see how I'm getting on and pursue further treatment if needed.

Michelle Harper

Sending you hugs @Ama

Ama

On day 45 today and everything is crap. Been like that since last post. It's a miracle I haven't pulled but have now started obsessing with the lash I originally picked out weeks ago.

Hubby thinks I might be developing a bit of pre-partum depression. I am so upset with the problem I'm having (had a bit of a bleeding gush today during a trip to the loo) no matter how much everyone say it's a normal part of pregnancy. I'm 32 weeks now and have another 8 weeks to go. Will have an Elective Cesarean again so scared of that too.

Also we might be moving house right around Xmas if it works out this time and everything will be a mess around the time baby is due and I won't be in a state to do anything.

So I've been playing with the lash. Trying really hard not to ruin my PFness but it's getting harder and harder. Already had a few cries over everything. 😢

Ama

Got rid of the lash today. I've managed to ignore it more than enough. Was a conscious decision and rather than add more anxiety to my already full plate and risk a pulling spree I chose the lesser of two evils. Now going to try and not touch any lashes and brows so I avoid singling another one out.

Ama

I haven't posted in a while because I've been having a very difficult week. Luckily the ointment the GP gave me helped with the problem I was having. Got prescribed a weaker one as can only use it for a week. Haven't started that one yet as on top of everything I caught a cold on Monday. Been out of it whole week and last night the dog decided to wake me up TWICE to let him out. So been feeling like a zombie today.

It is definitely not Covid as haven't had a temp and can smell and taste but the nose is really making things difficult. Still, silver linings, as am terrified of it this late in pregnancy. Also have to suffer through it as unwilling to take any meds as a result.

I am still PF, today is day 52, don't know how as the urges have ramped up because of the cold. I haven't been able to leave the hairs alone but luckily none came out. I also catch myself quite quickly but I do miss the sensation and have been daydreaming about pulling. Why does it feel like there is a piece of me missing, shouldn't it feel like I'm a complete person instead?

While I was struggling with Trich all these decades always felt so self-conscious and tried stopping. Now that I have stopped for over 7 weeks I feel...off...somehow. Help, what is wrong with me?

I know I should be proud of my accomplishments so far but I have had a very hard couple of weeks and I'm still not over the cold so it's hard to enjoy things atm.

Also I'm very tired as didn't sleep well last night so guess am in a bit of a deflated mood anyway.